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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Leila's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, July 18th, 2002
4:09 pm
I just had an awesome interview. It's at a place called Paradise Bakery, it's basically like Panera. It sounds pretty promising an it is at Pioneer Place the mall downtown. I'll find out around the 1st of August or so.

Geo got me a futon. I am so relieved one less thing I have to worry about. What a sweetheart. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get it to my apartment.

The move in date is only a few days away. I have so much packing to do. I'll get busy on that this weekend though.
Tuesday, July 16th, 2002
9:54 am
Dallas the "Pimp"
I am trying to get motivated here. I should go into Portland today but I just can't seem to get going. I had really strange dreams last night. Maybe I'm still in shock from them. I got the apartment I move in next Monday, less than a week. I'm so excited and a little stressed out too. Moving by myself is going to bite but what else am I gonna do? It's not like I know anyone besides Keenan (who is currently in Nebraska) who would help me. I guess that is one way of realizing who are your friends vs. acquiantances.

I went into Portland for a little bit yesterday dropped off a few applications but that is about it. I was feeling a little discouraged. I just kind of wandered around for three hours. I got approached by a so-called pimp and propositioned. I strung him along for a bit, had him explain to me how his game was run. And let me tell you he was one sorry ass excuse for a pimp. He claimed to be seasoned at 21 years old, I laughed. He was just some kid wanting to be big and bad. I told that the game will get you no where but dead, in trouble or behind bars. When I was in Chicago I spent some time with a few different pimps and I have also done a lot of reading on the subject and this kid was no where close to having his shit together. I asked him, "So do you have your girls out on the street or what?" It turns out that is how he worked it and he didn't even have any other girls. I told him I wasn't trying to be out on any street. He said, "I must to used to some Las Vegas shit" and I replied with, "No just some organized shit." When he first told me he was a pimp I said straight to his face "so you are making your bread off of some female's body?" I was surprised he talked to me as long as he did for as much flack and attitude I gave him. It was definitely an experience. I enjoyed it to tell you the truth it was just another experience to learn from in one way or another.

Current Mood: lazy
Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
3:35 pm
Apartment
I am back from Portland. I found an apartment. I am going to turn in the application and app. fee tomorrow morning. It's a one bedroom not even a block from the school and it's cheap. It's at about 11th and SW Jefferson. It's not the classiest place but it is just too convenient and cheap to pass up. I was going to wander around down town for awhile but it was just too hot. So hopefully by Monday I will know if I have a place in Portland.
Monday, July 1st, 2002
11:43 am
So Marcus and the majority of men are asses. Things are over with Marcus. Not only was he running his mouth and talking with my fellow co-workers, he is not exactly single. I found this out after a phone call from the girlfriend yesterday. The fool got caught. He walked in the door not even ten minutes after I got off the phone with her.

Went down to the Candlelight last night, it was awesome. Ian and Juilie were there so I had some dancin' partners. I also met Jerry another one of there friends who took a liking to me. So that was a little awkward. I felt like I had to choose between Jerry and Ian. But I refused to do any such thing because it's merely on a friendship level and choosing is not necessary. I got asked out to dinner by Jerry. He's a super nice guy but not exactly my type. He works as a therapist in Vancover, WA. He is just not that physically attractive to me. Ok now I am a pretty tall girl 5'9" or 5'10" I need a tall guy. Jerry not a tall guy at all. I've got a good foot on him. It was a little strange dancing with him but I was there to dance and it really doesn't matter who I dance with looks like.

Edwin confronted me again last night. He said that he had never been stood up in such a creative manner. I felt bad but I also told him that he creeped me out and that I wasn't trying to go there with him, as far as a sexual thing is concerned but we can still be friends. I think he finally gets it now, we'll see if he approaches me the next time he sees me.

As for Leila being in any kind of relationship with a man other than a friendship it is just not gonna happen. I have given up on men. They always seem to disappoint me. And I truly do think that the majority of them are doggs. I am now making it very clear to men who approach me and are interested that all I am looking for is friendship right now. I think this should work rather well. It will help to weed out the sexual predators. And honestly I do want to make lots of friends but you just can't do that if you take it to that sexual level right away.
Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
1:19 pm
Ras Kemo
Wow it's been awhile. Things have been slightly drama filled as usual.

Things with Randy Monroe the bassist are only a sexual relationship and very unattached. I like the way things are. Now his band mate Edwin Fountaine has been trying to put the moves on me for the last few weeks. I talked with him a couple weeks ago and hopefully made it clear that I was not interested and absolutley not a pass around. I told Randy about the whole situation and let him know that it freaked me out and that I was not a pass around. Randy thought the whole situation was fucked up and was worried about Edwin being mad at him. I told him not to worry about it and I didn't want to talk about it anymore and that it all freaks me out.
Then there is Ras Kemo or just Kemo. He is a reggae vocalist and a total hottie. He's about 6'5" and dreads down to the middle of his back and has and excellent voice and stage presence. I am such a sucker for dreads. SO I had met him briefly at the Candlelight. He and his friend (who was a female) asked to sit at my table, it was about a month and a half ago. Kemo and I had a very breif introductory conversation and he had told me about Mt. Tabor one of the pubs where he performs. So Keenan, Diane and I went and checked it out two weeks ago. And he was there I just about walked right past him and he grabbed me and said "hey you finally made it" I responded with "I barely recognized you" he replied with "I recognized you as soon as you walked in" So we had a little more chit chat. I was surprised he had remembered me. So we got to see him perform and a few other musicans that I have spoke with before were up there too. After Kemo sang I was looking for an good opportunity to show my graditude and let him know he was awesome, he was always talking with someone else. Keenan, Diane and I were up there shaking our booties and soon enough Kemo was right next to me shaking his in my direction. In between songs I got to give him thanks and a big ole' hug. We ran into each other later that night, and I mean nearly literally ran into each other. He said "There you are I've been looking for you" I personally think that was a line but who knows. So I told him to come sit at our table and he followed but got snatched up and started talking with someone else so I wasn't gonna wait at the table by myself for long so soon enough I was back out on the dance floor with my girls gettin' down. We dances a few songs and returned to the table to cool off. Kemo pops up behind me with Guzman his african friend who owns a reggae store and who was earlier selling CD's in the hall. Kemo and I talked some more and exchanged numbers. Kemo is just another player looking for some ass though. My question is, is it possible to form / delvelope some kind of friendship (non-sexual) with someone like Kemo? That's all I really want. We went back this week and he was there but didn't perform. We spoke a little bit I said hi and all that. But not much else was initiated I think mainly because Geo was with me. Geo and I are strickly friends and that's all for now. Hanging out Monday night with me he had a great time. He mentioned that he missed it and had forgotten how much fun it had been. HA! Now he knows what he is missing. So the girls left about an hour or so before we did so we had some QT, well not really because we were mainly focused on the music. I dropped him off at his house and we gave each other a hug and he moved in and shyly planted a kiss on my cheek. It was almost juvenile, like this was something new for him and he was terrified. It was so cute because of the uncertainty felt behind this kiss. I was so taken aback, this was a first. I had never felt his lips on my skin before. I didn't know what to do I was caught so off guard. All I could do was smile from cheek to cheek.

Now Marcus things are slowly developing in a negative direction but I will fill you all in about him when I confront him about his actions and lack of respect and honesty.
Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
6:48 pm
Well I did it. I broke things off with Geo. It was so hard to do but I was a big person and did the mature thing confronted the situation and now I have closure to it. I told him I don't appreciate the way he chooses to treat me and that I feel that he just doesn't have enough time and energy for me right now. I feel so much better. Now I am gonna work on letting Marcus lose. I just need all these crazy men out of my life right now.

Went and had a wonderful dinner last night at Arigato. I had my monthly fill of Bi Bim Bap and Kim Chi. We went and got Baskin Robbins afterwords. I was surprised we all had room for dessert.

Keenan got me a Iced Mocha this afternoon. I haven't had one or any coffee forever, I am so wired up right now.

I sent my resume out for another 16 different positions today. I have an interview tomorrow morning in Lake Oswego at a staffing service. Wish me luck.

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Monday, May 27th, 2002
2:07 pm
It's Over
I had a pretty uneventful weekend which is something different. I didn't even go out which was kind of nice to just keep it on the low-low. (The low-low? where the hell did I come up with that one? Oh well.)

Friday night had take out chinese. It was wonderful. I had Tso's chicken but the chicken wasn't breaded and deep fat fried. One of my favorite things to eat just got healthier. I rented movies, Ali and Bandits and I purchased Living Out Loud. Ali was great. I was a little disappointed with the casting, I honestly don't think that Will Smith should have played Ali but oh well. Watching the movie I couldn't help but think this movie would be so much more powerful if it was a Spike Lee Joint. The movie Bandits a must see, it is super funny. It is about bank robbers. It had Billy Bob Thorton and Bruce Willis in it.

Saturday Geo and I had plans to get together after I got off work. I called when I got home and surprise surprise he had already gone out. So I heard nothing from Geo that night. He called last night and left voice mail while I was working which I told him, I didn't have this Sunday night off. Dumbass. So his first message was some to the likes of this (11:45pm), "Leila where are you? I am gonna hop on a bus right now and see if you are at your spot. I miss you some much. I'll find you." My initial thoughts, "Yeah right you are." So this second message went a little something like this (1:07am), "Leila, I just spent the last hour trying to find you. I called down to the 'Light to see if Mikah had seen you but I can't find you. (Dumbass I am working I told you that) Ok I am going to the Royal Esquire which is two blocks north of my house. We'll met up soon enough." I honestly think it's all bullshit. And as far as I am concerned this man just got his third strike after "standing me up" Saturday night. Geo is out. I have given this fool far too many chances. Now I just want to tell him it's over, he can't be in my life not even as a friend, my friends don't treat me like he does. I want to tell him as soon as possible I don't want to string him along into thinking that there is still a possibility for a relationship of any kind between us. It's over once and for all.
Friday, May 24th, 2002
4:23 pm
My Sweet Lips Violated with Rage
Here's a little something I wrote last night. It is kind of out there and definitely not complete yet.

I felt violated
by a consistent pursuing of my body
it's different now
why did it change
and I realize
through aggressive actions
that there is no respect for me
where there is not respect
there is no love

treated like a play toy
thrust with such force
a force which consumed me
I felt sick
I knew then this is it
this would be the last time

Pushed in my face
my refusal was persistent but was overcome
by the pain I was beginning to feel
I gave into it, to stop the pain from continuing

I don't think I could bare to look
at a face that harbors such violent rage disrespect
and I won't
it will not happen again

Called me sweet lips
and now I know why
only to feel that pulsating muscle
between these supple sweet lips of mine

What was hot passionate and comforting
has been tainted
tainted by rage, force and disrespect

My redemption will be saying
"Never Again!"
I have bee disrespected
disrespect is worthing of nothing
2:56 pm
One Socked Wonder
I have been walking around the house for the last 3 hours with one sock on. How I lost the other sock I have no clue. But I haven't bothered to take off the other sock.

The weather is beautiful here today. I think I will head out to the garden and get some roses, iris and calla lilies for the house. I love fresh flowers. I am bummed we only have pink rose bushed but the neighbors have a red rose bush. I may just have to sneak out there and snip a few.

Keenan gets back from Nebraska with her sister today. No more having the entire house to myself. This past week has made me even more anxious for moving into P-Town. I sent my resume out for 11 different positions today. Hopefully I will at least get one interview. I really have to be making more money if I plan on moving in 2 months.

Current Mood: calm
3:30 am
Well I just got home from work. I pretty uneventful night. We were really slow so that made the night long. As usual the Hispanic men and Mr. Creepo are lovin' me. "No I will not go out with you! Yo Tengo un novio." It's starting to get a little old although it's flattering. Boys lets get a little creative and think of some new pick up lines. Something a little more original than, Are you married? or Oh you have such pretty eyes. Surprise me with something I haven't heard and that will knock me out.

I am still considering the whole thing with Marcus. It would be a huge step getting married and moving to a different country and all. I am ready to settle down and am tired of the sorry singles scene. It's all the same lame BS over and over it's just coming from different mouths. I don't know, I have a lot to think about. Marcus and I need to sit down and have a serious talk before any decisions are made.

Current Mood: tired
Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
4:48 pm
A Moment of Release
The reality of the situation hit me
as the actions progressed further and further
There was even a point when I was thinking,
What am I just about to do?
But never once a thought of retreat
Almost at that very moment
as I began to undress
my sex thirsty supple body
my erotic passionate thoughts and feelings
were tainted with filth
like a beautiful woman having to sell her body
my mind and body
overflowing
desire, passion and sex
bottled up and being held prisoner
I needed to release
sex
sex that had a soft yet strong comforting feeling
like a long deep sigh
3:21 pm
Surface Respect
So Geo and I just might get together this weekend. We'll see if it actually happens. I have just lost so much faith in him. It seems as though it has been disappointment after disappointment.

Went down to the Candlelight on Tuesday. I hadn't been down on a Tuesday in months. As far as the men are concerned it seemed like a younger crowd. I was making eyes at this very attractive caramel colored man from across the bar that was kind of fun. Nothing was said between us. I was sure to be looking my sexiest at all times. Vic the bouncer came over and said "Look at you over here looking damn sexy as always" Vic is such a sweetheart. There was this cutie that got up and sat in with the band he looked like Glenn Lewis and the man could sing too. He sang a Musiq Soulchild song. He'll be at the Roseland Theater this Friday I just may have to check it out. I am gonna try to find a new bar but I will miss the Candlelight. It's just time to expand. There is a place called Jimmy Mack's which is a lot like the Candlelight but classier. I also got attacked by Marge who is this woman who is in there all the time and she is wild. She is one of those people you just can't miss. She sat down at the bar with me and perched some knowledge. I love listening to other people. I learned a lot from her that night. I was wearing my zebra print jacket and it seems to draw a little more attention to me. There were a few hotties in there. But regretfully and the last time it will happen. I went over to Randy Monroe the bassist's house. So I was kind of unavailable. That was the last time. Things are never the same and if there is any point where I am not enjoying something I know then it is the last of it and it is over. Some men, well most men are jerks and don't know how to respect a female completely. The respect you see most of the time is just surface respect it just doesn't go very deep.

Current Mood: awake
3:43 am
MIDNIGHT DREAMS
MIDNIGHT DREAMS


In the middle of the night
you walk into my dreams
the moonlight shines on your face from across the street
and all of me is moved
that special part in me
feels the loving part of you
and then we find happiness
in a thing that is true
it's so sweet
all I can do is look in your eyes
do you understand this is something I want
don't be scared, I truly do care
this is something you won't forget
I know you want this too
won't you walk over to me
Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
3:29 pm
Unfocused
I don't know why I am so tired today. I guess it just kind of cathced up with after awhile. I feel nearly completely unfocused right now. And realized a lot this week. I realized that the people you think care about you aren't always caring about you. In fact any chance they get to help themselves they will. It's time to refocus again do a little changing. Do you ever get to a point where you sit back and think what the hell and realized that you are on the verge of being out of control? Well I am
feeling a little out of control right now.

How can I continually lose sight of the fact that not everyone you come in contact with cares. And a lot of these people want one thing and then once the get that you are dropped like a bad habit. I need to watch who I chose to let into my life. I get a little careless with that and there should be some kind of restrictions. It's so hard to find people who truly care. People who make you feel like they really do care what happens in your life. Connections made with these people are so seldom and hard to come by. I think a lot of people have troubles just letting go or recognizing another truly genuine undividual. Lots of people are scared to love because of the pain. But if you love there is inevitablly pain to come, it's something that makes love stronger but sometimes that pain can taint love. Love is a gamble and there are not true gurantees in live. I just had a realization after the last few days of doing some serious observing and thinking. From time to time we all put ourselves
in situations that normally we would not encounter. Call it our rebellious side coming out, a release that is needed, it's one of those days you want to go running around screaming all day just to release that pent up energy.

Lately, trusting what I feel has been kind of shakey. I really do hope things are the way they seem. I guess I've lost a bit of general trust for other people. I trust too much and that golden trust I give out gets used. Oh well, like I've said before people are people. I think the most important part is recoginzing this in people and being able to readily indentify
it and react to it. Don't let people walk all over you and use you for anything.
Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
2:09 pm
I am back
OK, so it's been a long while since I have updated. The men are keeping me busy and to some extent making me crazy. They are coming at me left and right and I truly don't understand it.

Went to the Candlelight as usual Sunday night. And I saw the most gorgeous man. Tall, light skinned, long hair pulled back, he had a aura around him that was amazing and beautiful. In fact he was in my dreams last night. Which kind of freaked me out. His name was Patrick in the dream which I highly doubt is his name in real life. I would have approached him Sunday night but I had Malcolm hanging around and I didn't want to be rude. I hope I see him again and if I do I will definitely slip him the digits or at least talk with him.

Marcus is back in my life once again. He stopped by yesterday and we sat and talked for awhile. He had to go and said he would come back later or call. That didn't happen. I refuse to put up with that kind of shit anymore. So when I see him again he'll hear about it.

Geo is slowly floating out of the picture. The man just doesn't show enough effort or initiative. He's kind of a drama queen and I honestly don't think things would work out between us.

I feel like going out tonight maybe I'll go into the Candlelight for a little bit. Malcolm wants me to come over and make him dinner I just don't think that is going to happen. I feel like going out tonight.

I am going to try and stay on top of things and keep updating bare with me though.
Monday, April 8th, 2002
3:44 pm
"....oh you have such a pretty face but....."
Emily, Keenan, Diane and I met Geo and his friends down at Billy Reed's on Friday night. It was very relaxing and comfortable. I felt like I was zoned out all night though. I don't know why. But my thoughts were more distracting than usual.

I had an interesting semi-upsetting encounter with a girl at Billy Reed's. I don't remember her name but it was Arabic and it means honesty. I guess it fits her well because she was rather honest with me. She told me that I was beautiful , absolutely gorgeous several times but that was followed with, "but if you lost like 30 pounds or more...." It was like some kind of inappropriate intervention from a complete stranger. Maybe I am being overly sensitive but I was hurt by these words. Like I haven't heard it before, "Oh you have such a pretty face but....." To top it off not only did she make me aware of her observation but Keenan and Hal (one of Geo's friends) and who knows who else. I don't think it's something that needs to be openly commented on. It's rather obvious that I am a girl of above average proportion. I lived with it most of my life. It's only what you see on the outside and is no reflection of who I am on the inside. I don't know that many people realize how it feels to be out of the norm or in the minority in a group but I know that feeling because I am almost always "the fat girl". You can see it in peoples faces the lack of acceptance and the judgment that is being passed. It was weird to have a confrontation like this it had been awhile and you don't always think of it until it is right in your face.

I am kind of confussed on the vibes I am picking up from Geo. I can't really decipher what exactly it is he is looking for. Well if he figures out that it is me he is looking for he better snatch me up. I think he knows but he is holding back. We talked briefly on and off Friday night. We talked about connections and how difficult it is to find and make genuine ones. He feels that we connect which I completely agree with. I realized that I find myself holding back to some extent with him but on the other hand I have been more genuinely and comfortably open with him then with other guys that I meet. I wonder if he notices that I am holding back. I just want to take things slow and I don't want to lose this one. I want to do it right. He opened up a little to me. He explained that in his life right now I am the best thing going on for him and that he can see that I am coming to him real and genuinely and he sees the connection there. I wonder if fairly soon it would be a good idea to discuss what each of us is looking for and what we want? We've talked many times about when it comes to meeting people and the relationships people either want a short-term non-involved booty call thing or a full on involved relationship. The fact that he has brought this up several times leads me to believe that he knows what type of relationship he is looking for but has not felt the opportunity to express it yet. How can I make the situation comfortable for him so that that can be expressed? Maybe there is nothing I can do but rather it's just a matter of time before he is ready.
Friday, April 5th, 2002
3:44 pm
BBQ Postponed
Things are going well out here in the Pacific Northwest. We had absolutely beautiful weather all this week and today it's cloudy and rainy again.

We were going to BBQ tonight but considering the crappy weather we are postponing the BBQ. I am making Spinach and Artichoke Lasagna with a white sauce, salad and garlic bread. I spent 30 minutes picking out some wine. I am not much of a wine person but I figure I'll give it a try tonight.

Talked to Geo this afternoon. He went to a art show last night, he was the subject of on of the pieces. We are going to meet down at Billy Reed's tomorrow night. I am so excited. The band is supposed to be outstanding and I'll get a chance to spend some more time with Geo the beautiful Leo.
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
7:43 pm
Well I e-mailed Geo and got a response. I think that I may see if he would like to meet us down at Billy Reed's this Saturday. I gave him a call and left a message. If anything I only want a friendship with him.

Fred called and left a message for me tonight. If that wasn't out of the blue. I truly didn't expect to hear from him again. It's weird how these guys seem to pop in and out of my life. I don't think that I am going to call him back though. I don't know if he is really worth my time. We'll see if he makes any further attempts to get a hold of me.
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
1:18 pm
GEO
My weekend was pretty good. I worked a double shift on Saturday and then had to open on Sunday morning. I got hit on several times at work on Sunday which was surprising 'cuz I was lookin' like I could use a few hours of sleep. I work another double on Thursday so that should be exciting.

So Sunday night I went on my weekly outing. I tried to get Emily to go but I had no luck so I flew solo. I made great attempts to find Billy Reed's I was horribly unsuccessful. I drove around for close to an hour trying to find the place I even asked for directions and still couldn't find it. I ended up at the Candlelight. I ran into Malcolm and Luis which was far from pleasurable. I got to talk to Victor the bouncer for a long while. He's such a sweet guy. He was trying to protect me from Harrison who was trying to get me to leave with him so he could show me where Billy Reed's was at. I told him "I am not going anywhere with anyone tonight I am here to hear some music and that is what I intend on doing." Through out this whole conversation with Harrison Victor is holding my shoulder saying "no don't....Man let her be...." Harrison doesn't mean any harm you just have to let him know when he is crossing the line.

When Carrie was in town we went down to the Candlelight and met this really cool cat Geo. Geo wasn't all about the "Hey baby's" and "Baby let's get it on". He sat down with us and had a nice respectable conversation, none of the bullshit, it was real. We exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses and all. So anyway I saw him there last night, at the table right next to mine. At first we didn't say anything to each other. And then finally I said hi and we chit chatted for awhile he and his friends soon relocated and I was snatched up by Luis and Malcolm did some dancing, sat at the bar for awhile. I was getting ready to leave to avoid any more interactions with scum. I walked past Geo back at the High Tops and told him "I was taking off and that Malcolm and Luis were getting on my nerves" he said "no let me buy you a drink and sit down here with me for awhile" So we had a drink together and talked for probably an hour and a half. It was so cool, it was like we were talking as two people not a piece of ass and a horny dawg. So he ended getting stranded by his roommates so I gave him a ride home. But I told him I can give you a ride home but nothing is going to happen, at all. Nothing did, a hug good bye and that is it. So after our excellent conversation we decided we should hang out some time. I was downtown Portland yesterday with Keenan and who do we run into but Geo. So I e-mailed him last night and I think I will give him a call on Wednesday, then my efforts have been made.

I'll tell you all what I know so far about Geo:
-He's 32 years old (I just can't seem to find one under 30)
-About 6'4", very skinny, glasses, a gotee and dreads. He's a cutie.
-A sharp dresser. Sunday night he was wearing dark colored jeans a black ribbed turtleneck sweater and a long black wool coat. Very GQ.
-He's a writer and an artist.
-Owns his own publishing company
-Is a DJ for private parties, has done a lot of parties for Nike.
-Very down to earth and real.
-He's a Leo.
Friday, March 29th, 2002
5:50 pm
Devoid
Well I was going to go into Portland tonight but I think I may just stick around here. I am going stir crazy and am so sick of Forest Grove. I am going to go to the grocery and clean up the house, finish reading "Why Do All The Black Kids Sit Together in the Cafeteria?" By Beverly Tatum. A good book a must read for anyone interested in race and the importance that is place upon it in our society. I wanted to go to this new bar I heard about called Billy Reed's. They have the same kind of music as the Candlelight and the crowd is supposed to be pretty good too. I am kind of getting tired of the Candlelight, seeing the same sorry people over and over again. Don't get me wrong the music is great but I need to find a new crowd. Maybe Sunday I can rally Emily into going to Billy Reed's for an Easter drink or two. The crowd there is supposed to be pretty diverse something that I thrive for. I am so tired of living in Forest Grove so devoid of culture and diversity. I can't wait to move into to Portland.
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